Blog Category: Purpose

Today we're talking about something that I don’t think gets talked about enough, and that’s about chasing the WRONG dream. Is the dream you’re chasing the right dream for you, or the wrong one? I chased the wrong one for years, and it brought lots of lessons that I don’t regret, but I am very happy to have moved on from. Seems a bit strange what with it being New Year’s Resolution Season, and I’m here talking about letting go of dreams, but there is a critical difference between a dream that’s right for you, and a dream that’s wrong for you, and that’s your reason for chasing the dream in the first place. 

(PS - if you want to catch this on the podcast, visit: https://yougetwhatyougive.podbean.com/e/thewrongdream, or listen wherever you find your podcasts).

 

Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a writer. A novelist. Or so I thought. For a few years I also thought I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. I was one of those people who never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I just wanted to be everything. Mostly though, I wanted to be rich. I wanted money. I wanted people to know me. Oddly enough, I never felt a part of this world, and you’d think that a child craving attention like that would be a social butterfly, but this wasn’t the case.

 

I can remember a specific moment when I was very, very young, that my mother was crying and I asked her, “do we miss money for bread?” I think I’d gotten that from some movie. But she nodded and said, ‘yes.’ Later on she would separate from my (abusive) step-father and this meant moving into subsidized housing and watching and internalizing her struggle as a low-income single mother. I never had many friends growing up, and due to the divorce, felt like much of the attention went to my sister (my ex-step-dad and my mother were always fighting over her). You see, we had different dads, and mine had left before I was born. I only found that out when I was eight, the same day I found out that my step-father, who I thought was my real father, was not. Consequently, it is no surprise to me today that a child would start idolizing money and attention, when they didn't feel like they got a sufficient amount of either, and that I eventually chose to go to school for broadcasting – something that I thought would bring me everything I lacked. I was a perfectionist (which never brought me perfection), and believed that I possessed a talent for writing and storytelling, even though I had little evidence to go by. I started chasing the wrong dreams early, because I never figured out who I was during the first three cycles of my life. Around the same time I left to embark on my broadcasting journey, I also developed an affinity for alcohol as a coping mechanism (and substitute for personality) and bulimia. Probably not a coincidence. This is not to say that I regret any of these decisions, because they were part of my journey and therefore meant to be. It’s not even that I think that chasing the wrong dream is wrong either; these are all stops on the journey of our lives. The only thing we need to ask ourselves is, for how long do we want to visit these stops?

 

Broadcasting didn’t take and after graduating my program I became lost for over a decade. Thirteen years lost to substance use, terrible relationships and decisions, a bankruptcy, and continued mental health issues like my eating disorder and depression. It wasn’t all bad, though. I had a wonderful family, and even though one of those relationships wasn’t meant to be, it was with someone who I considered my best friend, lasted eight years, and yielded a lot of lessons. I even finished a degree in Communications and began a real career. One thing was abundantly clear, though, and that was my own self-hatred at failing to accomplish anything of – what I considered – importance in my life. Of getting that money and fame. Ever since graduating from college I had it in my head that I was supposed to be a writer, a novelist. That that was my dream and what I was supposed to do, and even pictured all the millions I’d be sitting on when I sold the books, sold the movie rights, travelled the world, etc. Except there was one problem.

 

I never wrote. Not a damn thing. I just thought about it. I eventually started though, but it was never consistent.

 

I was halfway through my first manuscript, fed up with my job (which was a constant theme, I only ever wrote when I was looking for a way out of my life), when I was like, “this is amazing and I need to submit it to publishers.” I think all people who consider themselves to be writers go through this at some point. The, “oh my God this is going to become the next big thing” phase of writing. Obviously it was rejected. So I quit. Didn’t write another thing until I got sick of my next job, and it was the same cycle. I was going to be the next big thing. Writing novels was my golden ticket. The next time I’d nearly finished a full manuscript before I abandoned that project.

 

It was the same thing with my first job after finishing my degree. I hated it, so I started writing again. Hung all my hopes on the endeavour. Lost heart, got a new job. Started writing again when I decided I hated that job too. Are you noticing a pattern here? Maybe you can relate. My dream was an escape, but it was an escape like alcohol was an escape.

 

When I was on maternity leave from my career, my job that I hated and was slowly killing me, I actually joined a writing group. I was writing a lot, and had even finished a fifth manuscript just prior to going on leave. Five manuscripts…fueled by hate! I’d started even writing and submitting short stories, but every submission came with the inevitable rejection. I did keep going, for a while, because I knew that persistence was the way, even if the signs were there. The signs pointing me in another direction. By the time I’d gone back to work, now with a three-hour commute, solo-parenting with a deployed husband, same job with the high-stress, high-tempo environment that nearly broke me before maternity leave, I’d gotten nowhere with my writing. Nothing to show for it. It was on a work trip that had gone horribly wrong that I received a rejection for a short story that I was most proud of in the whole world.

 

It broke me.

 

I fragmented. I couldn’t do it anymore. Any of it. The constant rejection, both of self and the rejection that the world had handed me. The job. The anguish of never having accomplished my so-called dream. I cried, and cried, and cried. I wept, remembering the first story I’d ever written that I’d shown my nana – who sadly passed away before my son was born - when I was in middle school and being bullied. It was called “Fighting a losing battle,” and how ironic that that first story would so perfectly sum up my fiction-writing endeavour. I asked for help that night, from who or what, I didn’t know, but I surrendered to the tears and to the fatigue and to the loss and I slept, finally. When I awoke, something was different. I’d heard a voice that said – “it’s not your dream.”

 

It’s not my dream. My hands that had been gripping so tightly to a mirage let go; and suddenly, I was free.

 

That was the beginning of the real awakening journey of my life.

 

 

What is a dream? From what I have come to understand after that remarkable moment which sparked countless more, is that a dream is your heart’s desire. It is your life’s work wrapped in your purpose.

 

A dream is self-sustaining, because you are on the path of least resistance (not least effort). A dream doesn’t require motivation, because when you are following your dream, motivation is baked in. It's innate. The right dream is something your heart knows. It’s something you are compelled to do. To be honest I didn’t even enjoy writing fiction, though I didn’t let myself admit that. It was work. It made me cry a lot. Made me hate myself a lot. You see, it wasn’t that I wasn’t supposed to write, it just wasn’t supposed to be novels and it wasn’t supposed to be the only thing I do. I didn’t know it, but I’d completely misinterpreted my dream. You see, my early traumas were guiding me to the right things, it’s just that I misperceived the meaning. And as much as I wish that I could have figured this out sooner, all of it has led me exactly where I need to be.

 

I wanted to be known and have money. But how else does this translate? Love, and abundance. Both of which I lacked, or thought I lacked, and in the belief that I lacked, only saw their opposites in the world. And how did the world respond? By giving me more of it.

 

Love and abundance happen to be two aspects of the Four Pillars of Source – Love, Creation, Joy, and Abundance. When you are following your heart’s desire, your dream, your Higher Self Purpose, you are acting and living in accordance with Universal Laws. I was chasing the darkness and was surprised when I only got more darkness in return. What I didn’t or couldn’t see was my real dream. I wasn’t ready to.

 

You see, one of the reasons I’ve always felt like an outsider is because I’ve always been a little strange. I’ve always been on an awakening path. I believed I had powers. Remembered when I could fly and always felt like there was something off about this world, because I was unable to get that bird’s eye view I so loved. Why couldn’t I talk to animals here? I believed in ghosts and unicorns like I believed the sun would rise and set. Felt that I could make things happen with my mind. But all of these beautiful aspects of myself ran away when I let the ‘realities’ of this world convince me of my not-enoughness. Self-loathing, our ego, is what separates us from our true selves, and it is that which our lives need to be dedicated to undoing. It was only after my awakening began that I started to remember who I really was. This self-knowledge happens in tandem with self-love, and what led to me understanding what my dream really is.

 

My dream was never about broadcasting or writing novels or playing music. It was about impact. And I’m going to do that through writing. Through podcasting, teaching, living. Dreaming. Helping. Being. I’ve been given a great gift, one that I want to keep giving back: the gift of knowing, claircognizance. The gift of expression, through channeling – a gift we all share, by the way – and teaching, even if my first student is myself. My dream now is to help others find their Heaven on Earth, to help people transform their lives using the knowledge I’ve been gifted to in turn help them find that place within where that same knowledge resides.

 

I suspect most real dreams aren’t really about doing this or that, it’s about creating something lasting for the world, to give back in a way that matters. Every human being has the innate knowledge that you Get What You Give, that’s the name of this podcast, and our dreams are no different. When we achieve them, when we create something amazing, we give it to the world, and get everything in return. Now will that ‘everything’ we get always look like money or fame? No, but it’s not supposed to, either. It will look like exactly like what it needs to in order to serve your highest good.

 

I used to think that everything I was even slightly good at might be my dream, or at least an avenue to that fame and fortune I craved. This is hard to admit because of how shallow that makes me sound, but I think it’s important to talk about, not only because that’s kind of the world we live in – where a life that isn’t extraordinary is a life not well-lived – but also to recognize some of the ways in which our early traumas and experiences help shape our lives, and dreams. It's not wrong to want money and fame. They are just things. But is that ‘wanting’ helping create a life you want, or as it was in my case, a life you don’t want?

 

What I’ve learned is that the wrong dream is that which you chase because you want things from this world. The right dream is that which you chase because of that which you want to give to the world. 

 

The distance between the two is as long as it takes for you to realize that letting go of one will give you the other.    

 

When you let go of the grasping and clinging to something that is wrong for you or a misperception or something you’re after for the wrong reasons like we’ve discussed; when you decide that you’ve gotten all you can out of this visit, this lesson, you will feel as though an incredible weight has been lifted. Like you’ve been freed from your shackles. But guess what, you’ve had the keys to your freedom the whole time! In the exercising of your free will to free yourself, you will feel more at ease with yourself and the world than ever before. Instead of chasing, grasping, and clinging, you are surrendered and accepting, taking action in pursuit of that which you want to give to this world without placing too much importance on the outcomes, content in knowing that so long as you are acting out of this love, nothing else really matters. When you are acting in this way, you are operating in accordance with those universal laws and as such, you will start to make your heaven on Earth. That is truly my definition of spirituality: a practical application of universal laws to improve and enhance the experience in the third-dimensional realm.

 

So how do you know whether or not your dream is for you? Firstly, ask yourself the right questions. Who do I want to serve? How do I want to do it? Why do I want to do it? Your ‘why’ is what defines the right dream. Chasing after material things which are of dust and dirt, of illusion, is a lesson in and of itself. If you find yourself grasping these things, ask yourself: why do you want them? What holes are they intended to fill? There is always a reason, and it is usually linked to early experiences which have created that sense of lack, the energetic opposite to abundance, the Fourth Pillar of Source.

 

Secondly, it comes down to perfect love and perfect trust with yourself. Your heart will not lie to you. Does it make you happy, truly happy? Do you love it? Love is connection; does it connect you to the timeless place in your Self, that eternal place that is linked directly through your heart centre to Source itself? Love is our link to Source, is the stuff of which you are made and also that which made you. Creation is the expression of that love. Joy is the result of creation, and abundance the result of joy. Do you see how it is all tied together? Start with love; always with love. That will help you discern what is real for you, and what is not.

 

 

So what's your (real) dream?