I’ve had a ton of insight recently about something that I hadn’t been paying attention to. It’s funny because even though I’m an intuitive, there are blind spots that exist, those places within my being that are enmeshed with my ego. They HAVE to exist because if they didn’t, I wouldn’t be evolving either and that’s the whole point of being a teacher - that you must also be a continuous learner as well.
One thing I have noticed is that even as we transform, our egos transform as well. They evolve. One of the ways that my ego has evolved on my transformation journey: an interesting, semi-unconscious belief that I am somehow above conflict. That if some kind of conflict arises between myself and another, I’m just going to be able to navigate it with incredible grace and humility. My ego is so non-egotistical, or so it thinks, and that makes me laugh. My ego thinks that it is beyond reproach and therefore perfect. Above all conflict. Holier than thou. You know, I don’t think I ever consciously said that to myself, but those less-than-great beliefs are right there in the operating system. But even though they represent an evolved form of ego, it’s still a part of that original trauma, that wound, that not-enoughness. That desire to overcome that not-enoughness by overcompensating. The thing with trauma and suffering, is that so long as you identify yourself with it you will be unable to step into the kind of transformation you desire; but there’s another part of this, too. Being aware of the wound and not identifying with it doesn’t mean that there aren’t still parts that need to be released within you. The evolution of the ego is an interesting thing. It’s like watching someone walk along the road with a bag that has a hole ripped in its side, spewing dirty laundry along the way. I never said transformation wasn’t messy, in fact, it can be downright dirty and turbulent, that’s the nature of change. It’s chaotic at times, but even still, it’s always the path of least resistance, not least effort. I’m walking down the road, I’m journeying, I’m transforming, but my ego-bag filled with dirty laundry is still falling out behind me as I go!
How do I know this, well, I came face to face with that recently, in fact, and I’m so glad I did. It’s like finding a hidden door…you turn the knob and it’s locked and for the briefest of moments you feel anxious and frustrated about it, but only until you remember that you have the key.
Early one morning, my beautiful baby boy wound up and head-butted me right in the face.
I’m telling you, I cried. It hurt so badly. I thought my nose was broken. My husband and I both said, “no, we don’t hit or hurt people,” to which my beautiful son responded with two slaps to my face and windmill kicks to my husband’s arm. Fun. My husband then picked him up and took him back to his crib. I could hear my son start to cry, and I asked my husband, ‘how long should we keep him in there?” He responded, “one hour.”
Well, I wasn’t having that.
“An hour? A whole hour? That’s totally unreasonable,” I said. Things kind of escalated quickly after that, and it culminated in an argument where ‘couples counselling’ was mentioned. My husband said that I never listen to him, and that he never puts his foot down but if I go get our toddler from his room that there will be trouble. All I heard in this exchange was that I didn’t have a voice when it came to my son’s discipline and all I could see was my husband being harsh and dictatorial. I bristled at the thought of seeing a psychologist because what the heck did I even do wrong here? He’s mad at me? For not listening? He didn’t even listen to me! Clearly he’s the one going through something, I thought, high and mightily. I’ll give him space and be the clearly saintly and benevolent person here. He’s less evolved.
Can you believe the ego there? It’s just so precious, not because I’m sitting her in judgment of him or myself, but to look at and bear witness to the part of ourselves that live in darkness is such a gift. It’s uncomfortable at first, but with time, when you are able to look at these aspects and appreciate them for what they can do for you, you will start to delight when they are noticed during your transformation journeys. Because take heart, only those who are truly on a transformation journey of a certain kind during their evolution are able to apply these tools of introspection and use the ego as a tool for growth and learning.
Anyways, back to my story.
I was huffing and puffing, internally of course, as my husband and son were preparing to leave to go to a playzone in order to give me some time to myself to do the things I do to cultivate my business – I do this work early in the morning, late at night, and on the weekends because I have what I call a normie job. A regular person job. It is my beautiful connection to this paradoxical illusory system of which I am a part, and it feeds my soul in a different and beautiful way right now. Anyways. Did I see it this way, that my husband was trying to give me this sacred time to work on my passion? No, all I saw was an arrogant, unevolved jerk who was being unfair. I burned some incense and did some breathwork as I worked on content, and asked a question to the ether: How can I see this more clearly? This disconnect between my husband and I regarding our son? My husband did not feel listened to. I didn’t feel listened to. And we were having trouble meeting in the middle.
It was shortly after that I saw an account that I follow but rarely pay attention to doing an Instagram live. For some reason I clicked on it and had it playing in the background while I worked. A story was shared about how when trying to figure out the source of people’s suffering, an important question to ask is: what is their relationship like with their parents? This made my ears perk up because of Life Cycling, which is a coaching modality that I use and talk about often. In the story, a woman was asked this question and shared that her father was wonderful, that he gave her everything. The woman’s partner was there, however, and shared that this aspect of her father had really hurt her relationships because nobody could ever measure up to her father. He had treated her like a princess and this had created a bit of a monster. I listened to a little bit more of the live, but then decided to get a little bit of rest – because it’s not a weekend unless you’re also sick from some kind of daycare bug.
Something about the story stuck with me. I hopped in the shower and asked again for clarity. Something my husband had said stuck…that he’s never felt listened to. How could that be? What was I missing? I'm a great listener!
It was then I heard a voice in my head say:
“In your fear to share your wound, you are giving another.”
Since my son was born I’ve been unable to let him cry. One of my earliest memories is being left to cry and feeling that sense of abandonment because of it. I am not blaming my wonderful mother at all for this; there are some forms of suffering that come to us through no fault of our caregivers. But because of this, I have been unable to set firm and healthy boundaries with my son, and have viewed any kind of boundary as cruel and potentially damaging. Of course, I didn’t realize that, but it’s the truth. I was not prepared for the emotions of motherhood, being someone who never envisioned herself having children in the first place. And I was certainly not prepared for toddlerhood.
The breaking open of oneself that occurs at the moment of birth and which represents the death of the person you once were is certainly a fascinating and profound aspect of mother hood that I never expected but which has been an elementary, serendipitous and beautiful part of my awakening and transformation journey.
My ego as a mother was expressing itself as the father to that woman had expressed itself – by not providing boundaries or structure that father had robbed his daughter of the kind of self-actualization that comes when we are lovingly challenged and supported to become the best versions of ourselves. I’m not talking about perfectionism here or chasing the unattainable; I’m talking about being versions of ourselves who know and respect the boundaries of others which in turn, and perhaps most importantly, instills in us the ability to respect ourselves and assert our own healthy boundaries. Boundaries don’t always look like walls of protection, though they certainly can be. Boundaries may also be understood as the railings which keep us on a path towards that best, most ideal version, which again is not the perfect unattainable version, but the version of yourself that is self-loving and respecting in a way that is loving and respectful of others. In the story, the woman had had terrible luck in relationships and it was because she was never provided with a foundation of mutual respect, which comes of deep trust that another has their best interests at heart. The soul knows when we are in a relationship – and this includes our parents – where our best interests are not at heart. Where a parent is so scared to experience their child’s own unhappiness that they sacrifice their own or create a reality for their children that renders them incapable and/or ill-equipped to interact with the world in a healthy way...neither is in the child's best interests. Love is of course still love, and is eternal, but love can also be expressed in many ways, one of which is the setting of healthy boundaries to ensure that our children are equipped to move in this world and not set up for failure. Wounds can look like many different things, including a child who is coddled and not given the opportunity to create a personality based in truth and loving guidance.
Suddenly in the shower I saw quite clearly what was happening. My husband hadn’t felt listened to and I could see why; the strength of a mother to protect her child from any influence she feels inappropriate is quite strong, even when it’s not necessarily in the child’s best interest. How fascinating. Without knowing it, I was creating a different kind of wound, the kind where my son could grow up not knowing or respecting boundaries. He’d hit me and caused pain; this is a tough age and developmentally this kind of behaviour is normal if not unpleasant with its boundary-testing and big feelings. But I had been unprepared to respond to boundary-testing with boundaries of my own. Healthy boundaries, rooted in a desire to instill qualities and behaviours that will help ensure that my son is able to move through the world in a way that not only respects himself, but respects others as well.
It was an aha moment for sure, and to my husband’s credit, he didn’t say “I told you so,” but it is a testament to the power of personal inquiry and self-reflection to being able to uncover those dark places that still exist. And there’s nothing wrong with them existing, but how can you deal with them and integrate them and transform into the ideal version of yourself unless you are aware of them?
This is why self-awareness is such a powerful exercise to cultivate. Paradoxically, the more self-aware you become, the more empathetic you become to the plight and tribulations of others. Self-awareness in this context may be more accurately called ego-awareness, since it represents a greater knowledge of the aspect of Self which is of the false Self, not the Higher Self. That’s not at all to denigrate it, for without our ego, how would we grow?
May you be blessed with the wherewithal to stop and ask yourself the right questions the next time you find yourself in a prickly situation where you start to feel like you might be missing something.
That something just might lead you into greater self-awareness on the path to transformation.
